i am that shred of innocence that you can only find under 3 am street lights.
the kind you find when you think all is lost.
the kind that can save you.
i am kind, oh i am kind.


but that doesnt mean you can take a step closer. 
dont you know im getting older?
no one said im completely healed. 
i still dont remember how to feel. 
approach so slow, i wont go anywhere. 
drown me in your curious stare. 
distance between us, closing in. 
will this be the beginning or end? 
between us, only inches to go
should i dash back to my home?
but a home and a house cant be confused
breathing you in, ive got nothing to lose.
when there is nothing, i can only win.
can you read my eyes screaming"let me in, oh let me in."
as the street lights turn off, and the morning begins. 

and i was kissing away the whisps of my last eighteen years under moonlight shadows casting shapes up and down our milky white skin. it was comfortable, being there. my legs tangled up into the spaces between yours. my head buried into your chest. Didnt matter how hot it was in that room. Ill never complain about you turning off the fan and bringing that ridiculous heater four feet away from the bed, then tucking us under a wool blanket. My skin may have been cascading with perspiration, but that was all irrelevant. tomorrow was coming far too soon.

a year ago, today.

my heart was torn into a million pieces. it wasnt like it all tore at once either. the pieces slithered off slowly, painfully, one at a time. The whole day i was on the edge of my seat with anxiety, confusion, shock, etc. I felt like i had five bricks cemented into my chest and shoulders every time i tried to breathe in and out. 
    “we just need to talk.” is what i got from you. need to talk? about what? less than twenty four hours before that text was sent you were planning your future around me, my birthday party, prom, and everything else. less than twenty four hours ago you were telling me that you will never leave me. I remember leaving thanksgiving dinner table multiple times because you wouldnt give me an answer. you made me wait the whole day, wallowing in fear. You were the first person i ever truly liked with all the passion inside of me. we were perfect. or i thought we were. 
   i remember you pulling into my drive at 6 pm. it was raining so hard. you were already and hour later than what you said you would be. i know you did that on purpose. i was freezing. absolutely freezing. you wouldnt even get out of your car. i had to walk to your car and slide in the passenger seat. there was no words spoken. you stayed silent. rooftops by lost prophets was playing on the radio. i started to get out of the car right when you said, “i think we have been faking this feeling that we both “have.” i think we just latched onto each other for support.”  then for the next thirty minutes i fought so hard for you. i put every ounce of determination and love trying to convince you otherwise cause i knew for myself that i didnt fake a single thing. you couldnt even look at me. you saw the pain in my eyes. you could practically hear my heart breaking.  but nothing was done about it. 
   you left me there. and then had the nerve to text me an hour later asking for your hoodies cause you are going to your moms and you dont want to be cold. so i gathered up all those hoodies and brought them to you. you didnt say a word. i went to leave and i remember just leaning against the garage and crying so hard. i couldnt stand up. i didnt care that it was raining. i didnt care that it was freezing. and i KNOW you saw me laying there. your headlights beamed in my eyes. you saw me there. and you just drove off. and while sitting there, i thought to myself that id never be happy again. i thought that you were the only one to make me happy. i wasnt in love with you, but you still broke my heart. 

a year later.
here i am. and its a beautiful day. absolutely beautiful day. that day and the months following, i didnt think id make it through the year. when i found out the real reason was cause you cheated on me with katty, i for sure thought id never be capable of loving anyone. heck, if i was super happy with you and i had no trust issues, but i still wasnt in love with you; how the heck was i gonna love someone else with these scars?   its been 365 days. i am the happiest i have ever been. I have my bestfriends to sorround myself with when i come home. I know which family members i need to keep in my life, and which ones i dont. i am with a guy that appreciates seeing me every time that he sees me. a guy that actually likes me. now, i aint in love with the boy, but i plan on sticking around for quite a bit of time. and apparently he does too.

so if you are reading this and you are in the break up phase, period, etc. and you think that you will never make it out alive. please believe me when i say that you will. give it a month. you will already see progress. occupy yourself with people that LOVE you. not random boys to fill your weekend plans with. (trust me on that one.) love yourself. every part. because i promise you that a year from now you will be so much stronger.

i guess the whole point of this message was to tell you all that i made it. 
i finally made it.  

and there she sits again.

Ears are almost ringing because of the music that has been adamantly blasting through her headphones for the past hour or so. This time, she tried to make her appearance more inviting. The back pack is placed strategically  under the table so the accompanying chair becomes an invitation for whoever would love to indulge into small talk. Today is different. The hair was been styled a tad more classy. Her lips are shimmering from the lip gloss that she managed to find from the days when she cared about how she looked. Looking in the mirror this morning, she was able to feel a bit of satisfaction.  Satisfaction has long been a stranger for her over the past few years, so this was a mountain conquered.
        the weather is chilly. Although, she is a bit disappointed because it is early november and fall has not decided weather it wasnt to accompany her for the remaining half of the year or not. The seasons always betray her like that. Its like Mother Nature knows the girl simmers in the crisp air and burnt sunsets that fall engulfs. So she quietly kisses random days of October with the signs that Fall is here. Then, within the change from the moon to the sun, summers essence swarms through the air. The girl is grateful though because it is only an essence.
   Existing has always been enough for her. She was perfectly content with the subtle agreements between her and mother nature, or the friendships she builds with the workers of the small sandwich shop on campus. At first, she was content with spending her days ordering the same sandwich at the same time, listening to the same music (although it was anything but the ordinary of taste,) and spending her time doing other frivolous things that in the end turned out to be not so frivolous.
    Regardless, today she started inching her way towards inviting someone into this repetitive cycle. A simple seat gesture seems so minute, but to her it meant that she was about to give someone, anyone, the chance to figure her out. The girl was not in over her head.  She knew she was complicated from afar. Perspective can be such a bitch though because she knew that the very second someone learned the mystery of who she is, he would know for a fact that she is simple as a southern sunset- alive, colorful, open; while all the matter it is only existing in the very moment. No one has ever fought through her to that point though. Obviously they have never heard the cliche quote about after the storm there is a calm, or a peace, or whatever picture of serenity.
  and thats the thing that makes her the best kept secret in this college town. She can be someones calm, she can be someones peace, and she can be someones serenity, and while doing all three of those things; she can also be someones beautifully chaotic storm.

i am asking for it, you know.

filling in that space
im so out of place.
farthest from my grace.
no one sees it on my face.

"she has it all together"
im more apart than ever
"her faith can last forever"
its as fickle as the weather.

promises i continue to make
the new boy always helps me break.
offering love thats truly fake
why cant it be different, for heavens sake.

my problem? i cant be alone
ephermal lust, my familiar home
with every time my skin in shown
i feel myself turning to stone.

ive been empty since the one that got me good.
now i know about lust, a lot more than i should.
this monster took more control than i ever could
if i can take it all back, i know i would.

God, i am sorry. i really am trying.
im so sick of always silently crying.
inside i can feel my hopes dying.
i need to see my silver lining.

i need to find a better fate
but im afraid im already too late.

so what

the countless back seats hold nothing                            true
i know this already. so why wont I
stop?

you can say you taught me well.
late night screaming intermingles with                            love
cant really figure out if it was the
jealousy or the fear that maybe
ill turn out different.

haha, love.
just giving and giving till im empty.
yeah that seems to be the lesson
i was taught.
they say the pain fades away in the end
and ill pretend like it didnt phase me
theyll never know im empty
and i wish i could say the countless times
i wake up in the morning in ones arms
fixes everything
but it most certaintly                                                 doesnt.



ill never know honestly.
with the way i keep giving
and the way they keep taking
ill never actually try to figure this all out.
i was never into that kinda thing anyways.
im never going to get in over my head
ive known for quite some time that a
fairytale doesnt                                                       exist.

first love, dont ever forget me.

just click and watch.

its just hard cause when you say stuff or suggest songs like that
i dont know if you are thinking of me or her.

cause when hurting
you are worth it
We can hold on.

kinda in tune with the chorus of i know youre gonna be there by luke bryan

and if you took one look
around the past
 and saw me standing
 there in the back.
would you still walk my way,
 knowing what you know.
ask my name
see how far we'd go.
would you figure out
all my dreams
and repeat all of those
crazy things
that we thought were right
cause we were together.
conquering the night
like we had forever.

knowing what you know
would you still take my hand
through those back 840 roads
listening to our bands

sunset in the rearview
family dinner half past five
i realized that i loved you
while at the haunted house that night

but knowing what i know
i cant give a second chance
this just goes to show
first love doesnt last

but it burns deep down in my soul
like a feeling that just wont end
when i think that i have let go
the fire starts up again

itd be so easy to just give in
and give us another shot.
but theres a reason that we had to end
and that reasons all i got
to keep me from calling you
and say baby you can come home.
thats the hardest thing not to do
but i do know what i know.

theres still some nights
where i dont sleep
i know its not right
but its you that i need

i forgave
a long time ago
seeing your face
a comfort i still  know

yeah, its almost one year ago
but if you had to face the facts
knowing what you know
would you take it back?

kissing after midnight
night air feeling just right
forget it by the sunlight.
leave his chances there too.

all i know how to do
until i can find the last you.
loneliness hides all thats true.
youre my end to this fight.

search began long ago
with pretty hair, pretty clothes.
adamant failure goes to show
nothing materialistic matters.

i am on a silver platter
need a feeling that wont shatter
mind is growing slowly madder.
find me save me, before its too late

your desire, my saving grace.
steal me from this reckless place
i 'ave already quit my willing chase
now, for me, you must look.

under piles of old library books
sipping chocolate in coffeeshop nooks.
i wont stand out, love. theres your hook
but youve gotta come rescue me

i will be your meant to be.
you will come, ill be your key
to discover your adamant meant to be

find me, free me, love me, miss me.
alone is not how sunrises are meant to be seen

its the way that you blush when youre nervous.

that was my hair for mums wedding. :)

sitting alone.

you know how in movies the quiet girl always sits alone when at lunch? or in a busy public place? she is always depicted alone and in her own world, imagining dreams that others dont care to think of. The movie will show her going from day to day creating new perspectives and enjoying her silence. Then, the anomaly strikes. The handsome boy of the popular group notices either the design on her journal or the way her hair looks when she tosses it so one side in midst of writing. That little details captivates him to a point where he absolutely breaks all stereotype barriers and walks her way. The music starts slowly. I prefer it to cue at the line, "there i was again tonight, forcing laughter faking smiles." in Taylor Swift's song, Enchanted. Everything goes ten times slower. The preppy perfect girls stop talking and gag over his destination.  The boys stop goofing off to see why their girlfriends mouths are agape, eyes full of judgement. All eyes are on the girl in the corner, who doesnt even realize she has stolen the spotlight.
   He doesnt know what to say.
   "Why didnt i think of something sooner. why am i doing this? im an idiot." he thinks.  The girl stops writing to take a sip of her ice cold pepsi. She sees the gorgeous blonde haired boy walking her way. She turns around to see if there was a table full of sorority girls behind her. Nothing. Just a wall full of ads and "if found please call" papers.



now i wish i could continue this story for you, but i dont know what happens after that point. This past year i have spent countless nights at coffee shops after work, outside patios of the university during class breaks, and many other places. Movies have convinced me that someone WILL notice me. I must say i am slightly discouraged. not yet has this happened to me. Although i must say my waiter at Steak and Shake was fond of my writing. Now i must add in, i do have friends. and i do have boys that fancy me. but the friends come and go. The boys only fancy the way i look. they dont know who i am or what i do. They have no clue i am the girl sitting alone writing until my hand falls off. Not a lot of people realize that notion. I want someone to be captivated by me, stunned by the person i am, or my presence.

is that asking for too much? no, no its not.
this past year i have been very affectionate with anyone who compliments me. i never realized i could feel SO alone in someone's arms. or how incomplete i could feel when i wake up next to someone. (must reiterate i am a virgin. that whole last part made it seem otherwise.) but yeah, its true. I always thought that having someone there to wake up to or having someone hold me was all that i needed. Thats not true.

I need more than that.
take that any way you prefer.

Mums wedding :)

thoughts for today

everyone tells you that you deserve better, but no one is willing to give it to you

its like im scared to admit im happy, cause i know the second i do, something will happen.

i think thats why i cant manage to be with someone wholeheartedly. i keep looking for the belonging in all the wrong places. Lust is such a nuisance. its like, once you know what it is, you cant just change back like that. and you start to think that that connection to someone is the only connection you can have. or at least that is what happened to me. its not like im sleeping around with anyone. but the more i keep giving each person that even gives me the time of day, the more inadequate i feel. no one will ever appreciate me completely because i have give my passion, sincerity, and love to people that only want a date for friday night. i feel like i havent been important to anyone, truly important, since october of last year. i just dont feel like i am worthy of a girlfriend title anymore to anyone. i feel like i have nothing left to give.


may be deep for the first post i have had since before school, but ive had a lot going on. and i needed to tell someone

and here is my other bestfriend. i am beyond lucky to have him as one. he is the only guy that puts up with me.

I know this is the stage where I have to grow up and experience new things.

I really do miss highschool. I even am including all the harsh times. Suffering from nostalgia is the worst. The beginning of college is coming soon so I just have to sit back and see what God has instore for me. I am so used to my comfort zone; The friends I have known since kindergarten, the house I lived in since I can hardly remember, the morning stop I made at the sonic off M'boro road on the way to school religiously. I suppose what i am lacking is a sense of routine or a sense of stability. Ha, stability. I have not had that in ages.

So, like i said, I guess all I can do is sit back and see what God has instore for me.
or maybe, just maybe, I set myself free and find out for myself.

this is my bestfriend. i am going to see her this weekend. :)

Cinderella Full Movie Part 3 of 5

i watch Classic Disney movies late at night on youtube. You are more than welcome to join? :)

this is me.

im not really sure what the heck i am doing. but the beauty in and of this mere fact is i dont care. :) ill figure it out somehow. so just stick around. 

im really just super lonely.

i am scared i am going to end up alone. there is not a single quality in me worth keeping. this is just frustrating. i cant even cry anymore. im just emotionless. id do anything to be happy like i was last year at this time. things were so different back then. so different.