sitting alone.

you know how in movies the quiet girl always sits alone when at lunch? or in a busy public place? she is always depicted alone and in her own world, imagining dreams that others dont care to think of. The movie will show her going from day to day creating new perspectives and enjoying her silence. Then, the anomaly strikes. The handsome boy of the popular group notices either the design on her journal or the way her hair looks when she tosses it so one side in midst of writing. That little details captivates him to a point where he absolutely breaks all stereotype barriers and walks her way. The music starts slowly. I prefer it to cue at the line, "there i was again tonight, forcing laughter faking smiles." in Taylor Swift's song, Enchanted. Everything goes ten times slower. The preppy perfect girls stop talking and gag over his destination.  The boys stop goofing off to see why their girlfriends mouths are agape, eyes full of judgement. All eyes are on the girl in the corner, who doesnt even realize she has stolen the spotlight.
   He doesnt know what to say.
   "Why didnt i think of something sooner. why am i doing this? im an idiot." he thinks.  The girl stops writing to take a sip of her ice cold pepsi. She sees the gorgeous blonde haired boy walking her way. She turns around to see if there was a table full of sorority girls behind her. Nothing. Just a wall full of ads and "if found please call" papers.



now i wish i could continue this story for you, but i dont know what happens after that point. This past year i have spent countless nights at coffee shops after work, outside patios of the university during class breaks, and many other places. Movies have convinced me that someone WILL notice me. I must say i am slightly discouraged. not yet has this happened to me. Although i must say my waiter at Steak and Shake was fond of my writing. Now i must add in, i do have friends. and i do have boys that fancy me. but the friends come and go. The boys only fancy the way i look. they dont know who i am or what i do. They have no clue i am the girl sitting alone writing until my hand falls off. Not a lot of people realize that notion. I want someone to be captivated by me, stunned by the person i am, or my presence.

is that asking for too much? no, no its not.
this past year i have been very affectionate with anyone who compliments me. i never realized i could feel SO alone in someone's arms. or how incomplete i could feel when i wake up next to someone. (must reiterate i am a virgin. that whole last part made it seem otherwise.) but yeah, its true. I always thought that having someone there to wake up to or having someone hold me was all that i needed. Thats not true.

I need more than that.
take that any way you prefer.