first love, dont ever forget me.

just click and watch.

its just hard cause when you say stuff or suggest songs like that
i dont know if you are thinking of me or her.

cause when hurting
you are worth it
We can hold on.

kinda in tune with the chorus of i know youre gonna be there by luke bryan

and if you took one look
around the past
 and saw me standing
 there in the back.
would you still walk my way,
 knowing what you know.
ask my name
see how far we'd go.
would you figure out
all my dreams
and repeat all of those
crazy things
that we thought were right
cause we were together.
conquering the night
like we had forever.

knowing what you know
would you still take my hand
through those back 840 roads
listening to our bands

sunset in the rearview
family dinner half past five
i realized that i loved you
while at the haunted house that night

but knowing what i know
i cant give a second chance
this just goes to show
first love doesnt last

but it burns deep down in my soul
like a feeling that just wont end
when i think that i have let go
the fire starts up again

itd be so easy to just give in
and give us another shot.
but theres a reason that we had to end
and that reasons all i got
to keep me from calling you
and say baby you can come home.
thats the hardest thing not to do
but i do know what i know.

theres still some nights
where i dont sleep
i know its not right
but its you that i need

i forgave
a long time ago
seeing your face
a comfort i still  know

yeah, its almost one year ago
but if you had to face the facts
knowing what you know
would you take it back?

kissing after midnight
night air feeling just right
forget it by the sunlight.
leave his chances there too.

all i know how to do
until i can find the last you.
loneliness hides all thats true.
youre my end to this fight.

search began long ago
with pretty hair, pretty clothes.
adamant failure goes to show
nothing materialistic matters.

i am on a silver platter
need a feeling that wont shatter
mind is growing slowly madder.
find me save me, before its too late

your desire, my saving grace.
steal me from this reckless place
i 'ave already quit my willing chase
now, for me, you must look.

under piles of old library books
sipping chocolate in coffeeshop nooks.
i wont stand out, love. theres your hook
but youve gotta come rescue me

i will be your meant to be.
you will come, ill be your key
to discover your adamant meant to be

find me, free me, love me, miss me.
alone is not how sunrises are meant to be seen

its the way that you blush when youre nervous.

that was my hair for mums wedding. :)

sitting alone.

you know how in movies the quiet girl always sits alone when at lunch? or in a busy public place? she is always depicted alone and in her own world, imagining dreams that others dont care to think of. The movie will show her going from day to day creating new perspectives and enjoying her silence. Then, the anomaly strikes. The handsome boy of the popular group notices either the design on her journal or the way her hair looks when she tosses it so one side in midst of writing. That little details captivates him to a point where he absolutely breaks all stereotype barriers and walks her way. The music starts slowly. I prefer it to cue at the line, "there i was again tonight, forcing laughter faking smiles." in Taylor Swift's song, Enchanted. Everything goes ten times slower. The preppy perfect girls stop talking and gag over his destination.  The boys stop goofing off to see why their girlfriends mouths are agape, eyes full of judgement. All eyes are on the girl in the corner, who doesnt even realize she has stolen the spotlight.
   He doesnt know what to say.
   "Why didnt i think of something sooner. why am i doing this? im an idiot." he thinks.  The girl stops writing to take a sip of her ice cold pepsi. She sees the gorgeous blonde haired boy walking her way. She turns around to see if there was a table full of sorority girls behind her. Nothing. Just a wall full of ads and "if found please call" papers.



now i wish i could continue this story for you, but i dont know what happens after that point. This past year i have spent countless nights at coffee shops after work, outside patios of the university during class breaks, and many other places. Movies have convinced me that someone WILL notice me. I must say i am slightly discouraged. not yet has this happened to me. Although i must say my waiter at Steak and Shake was fond of my writing. Now i must add in, i do have friends. and i do have boys that fancy me. but the friends come and go. The boys only fancy the way i look. they dont know who i am or what i do. They have no clue i am the girl sitting alone writing until my hand falls off. Not a lot of people realize that notion. I want someone to be captivated by me, stunned by the person i am, or my presence.

is that asking for too much? no, no its not.
this past year i have been very affectionate with anyone who compliments me. i never realized i could feel SO alone in someone's arms. or how incomplete i could feel when i wake up next to someone. (must reiterate i am a virgin. that whole last part made it seem otherwise.) but yeah, its true. I always thought that having someone there to wake up to or having someone hold me was all that i needed. Thats not true.

I need more than that.
take that any way you prefer.

Mums wedding :)

thoughts for today

everyone tells you that you deserve better, but no one is willing to give it to you

its like im scared to admit im happy, cause i know the second i do, something will happen.

i think thats why i cant manage to be with someone wholeheartedly. i keep looking for the belonging in all the wrong places. Lust is such a nuisance. its like, once you know what it is, you cant just change back like that. and you start to think that that connection to someone is the only connection you can have. or at least that is what happened to me. its not like im sleeping around with anyone. but the more i keep giving each person that even gives me the time of day, the more inadequate i feel. no one will ever appreciate me completely because i have give my passion, sincerity, and love to people that only want a date for friday night. i feel like i havent been important to anyone, truly important, since october of last year. i just dont feel like i am worthy of a girlfriend title anymore to anyone. i feel like i have nothing left to give.


may be deep for the first post i have had since before school, but ive had a lot going on. and i needed to tell someone