a year ago, today.

my heart was torn into a million pieces. it wasnt like it all tore at once either. the pieces slithered off slowly, painfully, one at a time. The whole day i was on the edge of my seat with anxiety, confusion, shock, etc. I felt like i had five bricks cemented into my chest and shoulders every time i tried to breathe in and out. 
    “we just need to talk.” is what i got from you. need to talk? about what? less than twenty four hours before that text was sent you were planning your future around me, my birthday party, prom, and everything else. less than twenty four hours ago you were telling me that you will never leave me. I remember leaving thanksgiving dinner table multiple times because you wouldnt give me an answer. you made me wait the whole day, wallowing in fear. You were the first person i ever truly liked with all the passion inside of me. we were perfect. or i thought we were. 
   i remember you pulling into my drive at 6 pm. it was raining so hard. you were already and hour later than what you said you would be. i know you did that on purpose. i was freezing. absolutely freezing. you wouldnt even get out of your car. i had to walk to your car and slide in the passenger seat. there was no words spoken. you stayed silent. rooftops by lost prophets was playing on the radio. i started to get out of the car right when you said, “i think we have been faking this feeling that we both “have.” i think we just latched onto each other for support.”  then for the next thirty minutes i fought so hard for you. i put every ounce of determination and love trying to convince you otherwise cause i knew for myself that i didnt fake a single thing. you couldnt even look at me. you saw the pain in my eyes. you could practically hear my heart breaking.  but nothing was done about it. 
   you left me there. and then had the nerve to text me an hour later asking for your hoodies cause you are going to your moms and you dont want to be cold. so i gathered up all those hoodies and brought them to you. you didnt say a word. i went to leave and i remember just leaning against the garage and crying so hard. i couldnt stand up. i didnt care that it was raining. i didnt care that it was freezing. and i KNOW you saw me laying there. your headlights beamed in my eyes. you saw me there. and you just drove off. and while sitting there, i thought to myself that id never be happy again. i thought that you were the only one to make me happy. i wasnt in love with you, but you still broke my heart. 

a year later.
here i am. and its a beautiful day. absolutely beautiful day. that day and the months following, i didnt think id make it through the year. when i found out the real reason was cause you cheated on me with katty, i for sure thought id never be capable of loving anyone. heck, if i was super happy with you and i had no trust issues, but i still wasnt in love with you; how the heck was i gonna love someone else with these scars?   its been 365 days. i am the happiest i have ever been. I have my bestfriends to sorround myself with when i come home. I know which family members i need to keep in my life, and which ones i dont. i am with a guy that appreciates seeing me every time that he sees me. a guy that actually likes me. now, i aint in love with the boy, but i plan on sticking around for quite a bit of time. and apparently he does too.

so if you are reading this and you are in the break up phase, period, etc. and you think that you will never make it out alive. please believe me when i say that you will. give it a month. you will already see progress. occupy yourself with people that LOVE you. not random boys to fill your weekend plans with. (trust me on that one.) love yourself. every part. because i promise you that a year from now you will be so much stronger.

i guess the whole point of this message was to tell you all that i made it. 
i finally made it.  

and there she sits again.

Ears are almost ringing because of the music that has been adamantly blasting through her headphones for the past hour or so. This time, she tried to make her appearance more inviting. The back pack is placed strategically  under the table so the accompanying chair becomes an invitation for whoever would love to indulge into small talk. Today is different. The hair was been styled a tad more classy. Her lips are shimmering from the lip gloss that she managed to find from the days when she cared about how she looked. Looking in the mirror this morning, she was able to feel a bit of satisfaction.  Satisfaction has long been a stranger for her over the past few years, so this was a mountain conquered.
        the weather is chilly. Although, she is a bit disappointed because it is early november and fall has not decided weather it wasnt to accompany her for the remaining half of the year or not. The seasons always betray her like that. Its like Mother Nature knows the girl simmers in the crisp air and burnt sunsets that fall engulfs. So she quietly kisses random days of October with the signs that Fall is here. Then, within the change from the moon to the sun, summers essence swarms through the air. The girl is grateful though because it is only an essence.
   Existing has always been enough for her. She was perfectly content with the subtle agreements between her and mother nature, or the friendships she builds with the workers of the small sandwich shop on campus. At first, she was content with spending her days ordering the same sandwich at the same time, listening to the same music (although it was anything but the ordinary of taste,) and spending her time doing other frivolous things that in the end turned out to be not so frivolous.
    Regardless, today she started inching her way towards inviting someone into this repetitive cycle. A simple seat gesture seems so minute, but to her it meant that she was about to give someone, anyone, the chance to figure her out. The girl was not in over her head.  She knew she was complicated from afar. Perspective can be such a bitch though because she knew that the very second someone learned the mystery of who she is, he would know for a fact that she is simple as a southern sunset- alive, colorful, open; while all the matter it is only existing in the very moment. No one has ever fought through her to that point though. Obviously they have never heard the cliche quote about after the storm there is a calm, or a peace, or whatever picture of serenity.
  and thats the thing that makes her the best kept secret in this college town. She can be someones calm, she can be someones peace, and she can be someones serenity, and while doing all three of those things; she can also be someones beautifully chaotic storm.

i am asking for it, you know.

filling in that space
im so out of place.
farthest from my grace.
no one sees it on my face.

"she has it all together"
im more apart than ever
"her faith can last forever"
its as fickle as the weather.

promises i continue to make
the new boy always helps me break.
offering love thats truly fake
why cant it be different, for heavens sake.

my problem? i cant be alone
ephermal lust, my familiar home
with every time my skin in shown
i feel myself turning to stone.

ive been empty since the one that got me good.
now i know about lust, a lot more than i should.
this monster took more control than i ever could
if i can take it all back, i know i would.

God, i am sorry. i really am trying.
im so sick of always silently crying.
inside i can feel my hopes dying.
i need to see my silver lining.

i need to find a better fate
but im afraid im already too late.

so what

the countless back seats hold nothing                            true
i know this already. so why wont I
stop?

you can say you taught me well.
late night screaming intermingles with                            love
cant really figure out if it was the
jealousy or the fear that maybe
ill turn out different.

haha, love.
just giving and giving till im empty.
yeah that seems to be the lesson
i was taught.
they say the pain fades away in the end
and ill pretend like it didnt phase me
theyll never know im empty
and i wish i could say the countless times
i wake up in the morning in ones arms
fixes everything
but it most certaintly                                                 doesnt.



ill never know honestly.
with the way i keep giving
and the way they keep taking
ill never actually try to figure this all out.
i was never into that kinda thing anyways.
im never going to get in over my head
ive known for quite some time that a
fairytale doesnt                                                       exist.